


Somebody you loved

by CodenameAntarctica



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: M/M, Song: Somebody You Loved (Lewis Capaldi), Tearjerker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:34:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28404837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CodenameAntarctica/pseuds/CodenameAntarctica
Summary: Fei Long's way from being shot by Toh to his prison cell, set to the tune and words ofLewis Capaldi's "Somebody You Loved".(Also works with the marvellous cover byCourtney Hadwin)
Relationships: Asami Ryuichi/Liu Fei Long
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	Somebody you loved

I can’t pull the trigger. I want to, but I can’t.  
  
And I _don’t_ want to. My mind is yearning for it but abhors it. My heart craves it but shatters at the idea. My blood boils from my anger but it also spills out of me, burning my skin and the world turns cold and dark. Though it has always been like that anyway.  
  
You had been a glimpse in that darkness. A shimmer of something more _to have_ , of something to finally _want_. Of being free. It was not supposed to be, because I had wanted too much. _No_ , because I had _wanted at all_. That is not my place.  
  
I am a soldier, a puppet, a chess piece, a whore. Nothing more, nothing else. I have no right to _want_ or _need._  
  
Not even to want to pull the trigger. Not even to want to kill you.  
  
And the little warmth and light you have given me for a mere second of my life now drowns every last bit of strength I have left. I let go of the trigger. I let go of the gun. I let go of the world. You can have it all. It never was for me anyway. I never belonged here anyway.

> _I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me  
>  This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy_  
>    
>  _I need somebody to heal  
>  Somebody to know  
>  Somebody to have  
>  Somebody to hold_  
>    
>  _It's easy to say  
>  But it's never the same_  
>    
>  _I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain_

White room, cold world, artificial air, my heartbeat a machine’s sound. I don’t feel. I am not sure I am alive. But then again, I probably never was.

> _Now the day bleeds  
>  Into nightfall  
>  And you're not here  
>  To get me through it all_  
>    
>  _I let my guard down  
>  And then you pulled the rug  
>  I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved_

They step into the cold room. Dressed in white first, dressed in blue and black later. They ask questions, but I have no answers. They untie me from the machines to tie me in chains. They drag me from the room into another.  
  
Dark chamber, aggressive light, cold world. Angry voices, rude words, raw hands. They talk guns and bullets and ballistics. Fingerprints and blood traces. They talk of the man who was my father and of the other who should have been. They talk of Yan who had held my hand long ago whenever I had been hurt. Who then hurt me until I played into his hands. Who then handed me over so I _would_ get hurt.  
  
A vast court room, empty and dusty. Cold faces staring at me. Cold world. A hammer coming down like Damocles’ sword.

> _I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to  
>  This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you_  
>    
>  _I need somebody to know  
>  Somebody to heal  
>  Somebody to have  
>  Just to know how it feels_  
>    
>  _It's easy to say but it's never the same  
>  I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape_

They cut my hair and it slips through my fingers just like my life. It spreads on the floor just like my blood did.  
  
The door closes. Grey cell, cold world. It could be you on the other side behind the uncaring steel, sneaking away now. Do you even know I still exist? Do you even know I did at some point in your life? Do you know that I still _am_? Do you remember me at all?

> _Now the day bleeds  
>  Into nightfall  
>  And you're not here  
>  To get me through it all_

You were the one tiny needle of brightness piercing through the darkness and desolation of my world. But that was just tricks of the light and I am just a low number in your deck of cards.  
  
I wanted too much, just because for once I wanted _anything_ at all. Just because for once I dared to _want_. To dream.  
  
You made me. Then you tossed me away.

> _I let my guard down  
>  And then you pulled the rug  
>  I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved_

I had so little and now it’s lost. Because I trusted for once. I wanted to believe for once in something. In Somebody. In you.

> _And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes  
>  I fall into your arms  
>  I’ll be safe in your sound ‘til I come back around_

But you’re gone. And I’m still here. But will I be tomorrow? Or later today?

Cold life, cold world. Cold me.

> _For now the day bleeds  
>  Into nightfall  
>  And you're not here  
>  To get me through it all_  
>    
>  _I let my guard down_  
>  And then you pulled the rug  
>  I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved  
>    
>  _But now the day bleeds  
>  Into nightfall  
>  And you're not here  
>  To get me through it all_  
>    
>  _I let my guard down_  
>  And then you pulled the rug  
>  I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved


End file.
